


Rein Starts A Book Club

by Bluesunnyday



Category: Morbit
Genre: Book Club, Chatlogs, Comedy, Gratuitious Necrodancer Reference, Nerdbooks, Parody, Please Forgive me, Spit Gets Philosophical
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-04
Updated: 2018-02-04
Packaged: 2019-03-13 16:36:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13574547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bluesunnyday/pseuds/Bluesunnyday
Summary: In an alternate universe where everyone's slightly less messed up and everyone has an IM program, Rein decides that the gods need a little bit more class. So it decides to start up a book club.Things do not go according to plan.





	Rein Starts A Book Club

Rein sat at its desk, staring at the glowing screen of its desktop. Was it going to do the right thing here...? Yes. It was certain of that. It opened GodChat, and positioned its fingers over the keyboard.

CobraCommander has joined “EV'RYONE, GET IN HERE!”  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA DIG DEEP  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: YOU SURE DIDN'T MUST BE KIDDING.  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: NOW YOU CAN'T MAKE A PEEP  
BlacklightMold: FORTISSIMOLE IN THESE STREETS!  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: (yeah)  
BeNotAfraid: I'm not sure why you're just posting the lyrics to this “Notorious D.I.G.” song here. It's much less effective without knowing the music it goes with.  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: You asked what art from my universe is like.  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: After speaking to Frog, we agreed this was close enough.  
CobraCommander: My greetings, everyone. I hope this afternoon finds you well.  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: Yo, Rein.  
BeNotAfraid: Good to see you again. Kinda. You need something?  
CobraCommander: Well, you see, it has occurred to me that we're sorely lacking in intellectual pursuits, amongst our little social circle here.  
LifeByGlamour: Back with coffee, what'd I miss?  
CobraCommander: Ah, Caller, so good of you to join us.  
CobraCommander: In fact, I believe that soon, Saint Adrienne will be joining us as well for this conversation.  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: 30 minutes is an awful long time to be getting coffee, man.  
LifeByGlamour: You got something you wanna say?  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: No, but I do wanna ask why you gotta cover up a quick shag break like it's something to be embarrassed about.  
CobraCommander: ...what?  
LifeByGlamour: Oh, okay, well if we're going to get weirdly personal why don't I ask you something first?  
LifeByGlamour: What's it like giving dudes a multiblow? Just, yknow, since you obviously expect ME to answer your deeply personal question.  
FollowingAnAngel has joined “EV'RYONE, GET IN HERE!”  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: Well, Caller, since I apparently caught you directly after something bit your ass, I'll have you know that I've never “given dudes a multiblow”, because with how impulsive my masks can be it's basically a recipe for disaster.  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: One at a time, thanks.  
FollowingAnAngel has left “EV'RYONE, GET IN HERE!”  
CobraCommander: Oh.  
BeNotAfraid: Adrienne, hey!  
BeNotAfraid: Oh.  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: Shit.  
LifeByGlamour: ...sorry.  
CobraCommander: Well, Adrienne has informed me, quote, “I'll pass”, so I guess I'll just start the conversation when our final guest joins...  
XmeatwadX has joined “EV'RYONE, GET IN HERE!”  
BlacklightMold has left “EV'RYONE, GET IN HERE!”  
XmeatwadX: suuuuuuuuuup  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: Excuse me?  
LifeByGlamour: Yeah uh  
LifeByGlamour: I'm confused.  
XmeatwadX: shut up.  
BeNotAfraid: Okay, time to pull back the curtain, I was aware of this. I promise, this'll go okay. Probably.  
CobraCommander: Our friend is correct. I have determined that not only have I figured out a way to increase intellectual stimulation, but also continue Spit's rehabilitation.  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: That being...?  
CobraCommander: A book club.

Rein pauses for a moment. It's almost like 10 different faces just let out a groan of frustration, loud enough that it could hear them. Curious.

PhantomThiefOfSmut: Uh  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: I really feel like I should say no to this.  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: But I am going to do this.  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: Not for the books, but so I can help make sure Spit doesn't eat everyone and then herself.  
XmeatwadX: lol why would I ever eat myself pal  
XmeatwadX: I taste terrible.  
XmeatwadX: ask my ex-boyfriend.  
LifeByGlamour: You have an ex-boyfriend?  
XmeatwadX: nah but I left myself wide open for an oral joke.  
XmeatwadX: and damnit I took the shot.  
LifeByGlamour: Gross.  
LifeByGlamour: Yeah I guess I'm in, not like I have much better to do. I've only got my torso back after the Christmas party.  
BeNotAfraid: You're going to make this a recurring thing, aren't you?  
LifeByGlamour: Is Mercy a fucking sadsack?  
CobraCommander: Excellent. And I know Spit, Demagogue and myself will be involved. That should be everyone we need.  
CobraCommander: Now, obviously, it would behoove us all to pick a book for us to enjoy and discuss.  
CobraCommander: I will now open the metaphorical floor for suggestions.  
BeNotAfraid: I mean, we could pick some fantasy novel or another.  
BeNotAfraid: I hear this great one just came out, about this Beatfox who goes to the underworld and fights monsters.  
LifeByGlamour: That one? Yeah, I like that one.  
LifeByGlamour: They're doing a stage play, apparently. Might audition.  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: The book could have been a dumpster fire and you'd audition.  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: I mean, granted, your part would absolutely have been the highlight of this hypothetical dumpster fire book-turned-play, so that's not a dig at you.  
LifeByGlamour: <3  
CobraCommander: A possibility. I am not usually a fan of such books, but if you would all prefer it, I'm sure I could come to appreciate it on at least... a technical level.  
XmeatwadX: actually i've got one if you wanna hear me out.  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: Oh, lord...  
XmeatwadX: it's called “a treatise on the cyclical nature of morality in relation to perception”  
XmeatwadX: you'd know that one, demagogue, one of your demons actually wrote it around the time of “the incident”.  
XmeatwadX: it was basically this big philosophical doorstopper that discussed historical trends of morbit.  
XmeatwadX: namely, noting that though war and strife have gotten progressively uglier over the years, the periods of peace in between have likewise tended to be longer and more prosperous when they happen.  
XmeatwadX: he dedicates roughly five chapters to discussing the current state of Morbit, including calling attention to my acts, and suggests that if one were to use the metaphor of a 24-hour period, this would be “the witching hour”.  
XmeatwadX: the argument is that, simply put, things are as bad as they could possibly get, and if we can somehow make it through without the planet fucking exploding or something, an “ultimate good” will emerge and, due to what he sees as the natural goodness of people, we'll have more or less eternal peace.  
XmeatwadX: not that, like, everyone's gonna start fucking holding hands and singing hymns, but there won't be any more me's.  
LifeByGlamour: …  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: …  
BeNotAfraid: …  
CobraCommander: …  
XmeatwadX: what?  
LifeByGlamour: ...that was actually pretty deep.  
XmeatwadX: yeah like normally I never would have read that nerd shit.  
XmeatwadX: but the dude actually directly mailed me a personalized copy before it was published.  
BeNotAfraid: Personalized?  
XmeatwadX: yeah. Normally the last five pages is this big explanation about how people need to have hope and that some day we'll all be free.  
XmeatwadX: but my copy just had one paragraph that said  
XmeatwadX: “So my point is, watch your back.”  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: Shit.  
XmeatwadX: yeah, pretty ballzy.  
XmeatwadX: I literally tore out his spine and ate his kidneys for it, but I respected his guts.  
XmeatwadX: so I at least decided not to kill everyone who purchased a copy of the book.  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: How... generous.  
XmeatwadX: that's me. the height of generosity and kindness.  
BeNotAfraid: As fascinating as that sounds, I don't think Caller or Voidsy would enjoy being forced to read, quote, “a doorstopper”.  
LifeByGlamour: I'd be too distracted thinking of how you killed the dude, Spit.  
XmeatwadX: ok, fine, whatever.  
XmeatwadX: you guys wonder why I never try talking to you  
LifeByGlamour: Because we all have you blocked outside of these group chats?  
XmeatwadX: oh, yeah.  
XmeatwadX: forgot, lol.  
CobraCommander: Let us just work with the fantasy novel, then.  
CobraCommander: Perhaps Caller will allow some interesting insights, based on his apparent interest in the story.  
BeNotAfraid: I actually haven't read it yet. This is exciting!  
XmeatwadX: why the fuck should I even read your stupid nerdbooks  
CobraCommander: Uh  
LifeByGlamour: Uh  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: ...fuck.  
BeNotAfraid: Jesus fuck you idiots did you not see me constantly mention this being non-canon last time  
BeNotAfraid: Spit really, really wants to read our nerdbooks. She thinks it'll be the best.  
XmeatwadX: you motherfucker  
BeNotAfraid: NON-CANON  
CobraCommander: I'd suggest using those jokes sparingly, Demagogue.  
CobraCommander: It might wear thin at a rapid pace.  
BeNotAfraid: Fuck you.  
LifeByGlamour: Look, whatever. I'll get everyone a copy of the book. I just finished a role, I've got some spare cash, I can afford to be generous.  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: You gonna use Brain's employee discount, cheapo?  
LifeByGlamour: Say that to my face you kitty-faced motherfucker.  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: I will fight you irl, you fucking disco ball.  
CobraCommander: Oh, dear, they're at it again.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

PhantomThiefOfSmut: Okay, so, I've been reading this book for the last four days and I'm not even halfway through.  
LifeByGlamour: I think we both forgot what colossal nerds Demagogue and Rein are.  
LifeByGlamour: We need to figure out a strategy for this.  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: You could come over, and we could just have a speed-reading get together.  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: I just got a new gallon of apple juice, we can break it in.  
LifeByGlamour: I mean, that sounds like fun, I guess.  
LifeByGlamour: And since I'll be going to your place, I don't have to worry about that one freaky mask staring at my girlfriend the entire time.  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: I apologized for that.  
LifeByGlamour: Yes, you did. Then that mask called me a cuck.  
PhantomThiefOfSmut: …  
LifeByGlamour: I'll be over in a bit. Donuts okay?

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

BeNotAfraid: I am beginning to think we may have made a mistake.  
CobraCommander: I'm curious as to your reasoning. Please, enlighten me, friend.  
BeNotAfraid: Spit has been messaging me every half hour to gush about aspects of the book she finds particularly appealing.  
BeNotAfraid: Except I'm almost entirely certain she is simply bullshitting me, in order to waste my time.  
CobraCommander: Why would you think she is pulling the wool over your eyes?  
BeNotAfraid: Just say bullshitting, Rein, I'm not gonna tell the teacher.  
CobraCommander: Perhaps she is simply just enjoying the novel? It is a rather engrossing read, even with my bias against such works. The worldbuilding is remarkable.  
CobraCommander: You should have more faith, Demagogue.  
BeNotAfraid: Bitch, what?  
CobraCommander: I think, perhaps, we may yet be able to create a Spit who prefers the written word to wanton acts of senseless violence.  
CobraCommander: We will be taking baby steps, of course, but as Void says, Rome was not built in a day.  
BeNotAfraid: Whatever “Rome” is.  
CobraCommander: Tomorrow's book club meeting will be wonderful. I can feel it.  
CobraCommander: Don't worry, my friend.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

LifeByGlamour opened chat “EV'RYONE, GET IN HERE!”  
CobraCommander: I am unsure how many times I will have to apologize for the events of this morning before you understand I did not intend for that to happen.  
BeNotAfraid: Oh, no, I know you didn't mean it.  
BeNotAfraid: I'm just tired of Spit doing terrible things while you just sit there and shrug like you're in a fucking sitcom.  
CobraCommander: I got her under control in record time, Demagogue.  
BeNotAfraid: “Oh noooooooo!!! Looks like Spit's done it again!!!”  
BeNotAfraid: Except there's not a laugh track because this is real fucking life.  
CobraCommander: You are being extraordinarily unfair. Everything was under control until that singular moment, and then it was under control again.  
BeNotAfraid: Yeah. She flipped the snack table, tore the shirt you made her wear off, and set my living room on fire.  
CobraCommander: Caller put out the fire.  
BeNotAfraid: That painting was incredibly expensive, Rein.  
CobraCommander: Please, Demagogue, I am sure we can come to a peaceful conclusion, here. Why, the next book club will go off without a hitch.  
BeNotAfraid: NEXT?!? No. Absolutely not. This little experiment is fucking over.  
CobraCommander: I am reasonably certain you are speaking from a place of frustration, rather than one of logic.  
CobraCommander: Allow me to explain my reasoning. I have prepared a slideshow.  
CobraCommander: You will find it quite enlightening, I believe.  
LifeByGlamour has left “EV'RYONE, GET IN HERE!”


End file.
